Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
