More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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