Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
