yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
