just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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