i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
