Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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