can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Vodka?
Forever.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
i believe in u and ur pee
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
