The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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