her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
