he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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