in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
