Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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