I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
