i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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