I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
MIDGETS
????
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
