Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
