pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
