I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
is this the sara with the beer cane?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
