Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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