The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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