is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize