I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just google imaged poop.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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