I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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