Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
