I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Randomize