Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Dignity is for republicans.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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