If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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