if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
