Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
