i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
