The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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