having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
