Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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