I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
