Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize