I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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