just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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