Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
