Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
