I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
