Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Randomize
