I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
