Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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