Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I fill condoms, not promises.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
