so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
