we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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