super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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