I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
