smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
