I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
