I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
