Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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