If i come over, it means nothing
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize