when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
