my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
