She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
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