I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
