mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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