i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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